What a wonderful holiday, I didn't quite manage the stress free version that I was aiming for but it was so much better than last year. The children had a blast and we had a proper family day. I can't remember a better Christmas :)

Christmas!

Well my countdown has finally begun! I woke up this morning with a strong urge to scrub the house, bake thousands of biscuits and to push complete strangers over in the high street......... oh don't you just love Christmas?

I've decided to break the habit of a life time. I will not stress about every little thing this year and half kill myself trying to make it 'perfect'. I will not get myself into debt and I will not be leaving ALL the wrapping until Christmas Eve.

It is 5am here which means it is officially my youngest sons 1st birthday………………..so for me this is a time of reflection.
I am grateful that my hubby and I have managed to survive Leo’s first year without killing each other.
This year we’ve experienced many highs and lows including severe sleep deprivation, postnatal depression, post traumatic stress syndrome, swine flu and our eldest being tested for Aspergers. We’ve had many arguments and I’ve nearly run away many times (literally- Postnatal depression) but we’re still standing and surprisingly still talking/laughing at each other.
I’m grateful for Terry (hubby)for looking after me during my craziness and for all the support he gave to my decision to breastfeed for the first year (I found it VERY difficult at times) I wouldn’t have stuck to it without him.
I’m grateful for my eldest Joshua who has been a star with Leo since he came home from the hospital and is the best big brother for Leo that I could of wished for.
And I’m very grateful for my wonderful little Leo, who no matter how bad I’m feeling can always bring a smile to my face or a tear to my eye.
I’m also very grateful that I’m still here. (sorry if that sounds over dramatic, but its true lol )

I haven't been out of the house for almost 2 weeks. No reason in particular just not felt up to it, but I had an appointment with Anita (therapist) today and when it came to actually leaving the house I felt sick and breathless. I tried to calm down but my stomach was in knots, so I just sat on the stairs and cried. I feel like such an idiot.

I've got to go out tomorrow with Terry to visit family and pick up a couple of things from the shops, hopefully I won't feel so bad with him there for support.

I'm feeling much better today, my wonderful fella watched the kids all day so I could rest and catch up on some much needed sleep. All thats left to do is curl up on the sofa with a cup of tea and the new episode of Dr Who.

Its 5am and I'm feeling really low and emotional. I've got so much to do and there are people relying on me and I just can't face any of it. I want to cry I'm so exhausted

Well after another sleepless night of tossing and turning I finally passed out at 10am. Terry woke me a couple of times and tried to get me up so I could go to the Drs about my tablets and so I wouldn't miss my appointment with Anita (therapist) but I wasn't having any of it. So I finally got up 2 hours ago and I feel so guilty that I've completely wasted the day. The children will be in bed soon and they've hardly seen me.

I'm so exhausted.

On another note my colds resurfaced again (probably because I'm so run down) and I'm finding it difficult to talk, see and breath.

Poor Terry has been a complete star, he's poorly too and has lot on his mind and yet he still finds time to look after me when I need it (which has been a lot lately) Thank you

Well I'm into my second day of no sleep, between the baby teething, my meds and Terry's snoring I just can't catch a break.

If it carries on I'm going to have to go back to the GP and ask for a different anti-depressant :( I'm just not coping very well on these and the fact they make it difficult to sleep is just making things impossible. I've got so much on at the moment with Christmas just round the corner and Joshua's problems at school worsening I can't afford another break down. Plus theres a difficult anniversary (bereavement) coming up for Terry and he needs me to be in one piece.

So I think I'll leave it until Wednesday and if I feel up to leaving the house I'll go to the Drs.

Well still no 'real' content....sorry. I got drunk instead of doing 'stuff' and spent all night chatting to ladies across the pond, so now I'm hungover and tired but hopefully will have some pics for my next post.

Oh my, this is starting to feel rather self indulgent, need to remember I'm not thirteen :) Please bare with me my I haven't quite found my writing style yet.

I think I've shared enough about me for now and I'm hoping to have some actual content (pics etc) on at some point over the weekend. I've got a couple of crochet projects on the go and I few ideas peculating so who knows.

I told my hubby I want another baby and I think his brain exploded inside his head :)

HEHE hormones make me crazy me thinks

Well I've just found out that one of my friends whose baby is the same age as L is pregnant again............and I'm jealous!

I don't no whether its because L is coming to the end of the 'baby' stage or because I feel like I missed out with J but I really think I want another baby?

I miss being pregnant, I miss growing life and I miss feeling special.

I love babies and I want to do it again, having L was one of the happiest times in my life and I regret that I didn't have the same experience with J. When J came home I was so screwed up by the whole experience I couldn't enjoy anything, I was empty and missed out on so much. I spent so long preparing for the worst,not letting myself get to close, feeling like he wasn't my baby that when he came home I had to learn to love to love him.

With L there was love instantly, its been easy and I've enjoyed watching him grow.

It makes me sad that this might be it........no more babies :(

So, a bit about my life at the moment .............well I'm currently an overweight stay-at-home mum of two. My partner of almost 8 years is also a stay-at-home parent as he's waiting to have an op on his knee. I am quite a forth right person,I'm honest and I quite often over share.

I'm also totally fucked up and have been medicated on and off for over a decade. I'm currently nearing the end of a year long block of therapy for PND and have suspected post-traumatic-stress. I'm sharing this all now so I don't have to explain it again later.

J, my eldest is six years old and is a wonderfully bright and unique little boy who is currently being tested for ASD. He's having trouble at school and is an absolute handful (not naughty but definitely high maintenance) but thats ok because we love him dearly.

J came into this world a bit too soon (at 25 weeks gestation) weighing a tiny 850g, he was only given a 50/50 chance of survival and he remained in intensive care for 8 long weeks. We were allowed to bring him home when he was 18 weeks old but he still needed help with his breathing so he was hooked up to an oxygen machine for the next 15 months.It was a very difficult time for us and to be honest neither Terry or I have really got over the trauma of what happened.

L was a planned baby,we waited along time after having J as we were scared of going through it all again.It took us over a year of trying and two miscarriages before we finally conceived him. He was born happy and healthy at 37 weeks I on the other hand felt like I'd been a car crash.

I've been breastfeeding for nearly a year and I am missing alcohol dearly :)

Well this is my first ever blog and to be honest I haven't got a clue what I'm supposed to write????

Maybe I should start by explaining why I've started this?

Well since I had my second son I've been feeling kind of low and disconnected from everything and everyone (including myself)

It was suggested to me that I should start a diary but I'm absolutely hopeless I always leave them places I shouldn't..........like my mothers.

So I've started one here, I'm not going to invite my family or friends to read it because if I know they read it I'll feel the need to censor certain thoughts and feelings.