Well after another sleepless night of tossing and turning I finally passed out at 10am. Terry woke me a couple of times and tried to get me up so I could go to the Drs about my tablets and so I wouldn't miss my appointment with Anita (therapist) but I wasn't having any of it. So I finally got up 2 hours ago and I feel so guilty that I've completely wasted the day. The children will be in bed soon and they've hardly seen me.

I'm so exhausted.

On another note my colds resurfaced again (probably because I'm so run down) and I'm finding it difficult to talk, see and breath.

Poor Terry has been a complete star, he's poorly too and has lot on his mind and yet he still finds time to look after me when I need it (which has been a lot lately) Thank you

Well I'm into my second day of no sleep, between the baby teething, my meds and Terry's snoring I just can't catch a break.

If it carries on I'm going to have to go back to the GP and ask for a different anti-depressant :( I'm just not coping very well on these and the fact they make it difficult to sleep is just making things impossible. I've got so much on at the moment with Christmas just round the corner and Joshua's problems at school worsening I can't afford another break down. Plus theres a difficult anniversary (bereavement) coming up for Terry and he needs me to be in one piece.

So I think I'll leave it until Wednesday and if I feel up to leaving the house I'll go to the Drs.

Well still no 'real' content....sorry. I got drunk instead of doing 'stuff' and spent all night chatting to ladies across the pond, so now I'm hungover and tired but hopefully will have some pics for my next post.

Oh my, this is starting to feel rather self indulgent, need to remember I'm not thirteen :) Please bare with me my I haven't quite found my writing style yet.

I think I've shared enough about me for now and I'm hoping to have some actual content (pics etc) on at some point over the weekend. I've got a couple of crochet projects on the go and I few ideas peculating so who knows.

I told my hubby I want another baby and I think his brain exploded inside his head :)

HEHE hormones make me crazy me thinks

Well I've just found out that one of my friends whose baby is the same age as L is pregnant again............and I'm jealous!

I don't no whether its because L is coming to the end of the 'baby' stage or because I feel like I missed out with J but I really think I want another baby?

I miss being pregnant, I miss growing life and I miss feeling special.

I love babies and I want to do it again, having L was one of the happiest times in my life and I regret that I didn't have the same experience with J. When J came home I was so screwed up by the whole experience I couldn't enjoy anything, I was empty and missed out on so much. I spent so long preparing for the worst,not letting myself get to close, feeling like he wasn't my baby that when he came home I had to learn to love to love him.

With L there was love instantly, its been easy and I've enjoyed watching him grow.

It makes me sad that this might be it........no more babies :(

So, a bit about my life at the moment .............well I'm currently an overweight stay-at-home mum of two. My partner of almost 8 years is also a stay-at-home parent as he's waiting to have an op on his knee. I am quite a forth right person,I'm honest and I quite often over share.

I'm also totally fucked up and have been medicated on and off for over a decade. I'm currently nearing the end of a year long block of therapy for PND and have suspected post-traumatic-stress. I'm sharing this all now so I don't have to explain it again later.

J, my eldest is six years old and is a wonderfully bright and unique little boy who is currently being tested for ASD. He's having trouble at school and is an absolute handful (not naughty but definitely high maintenance) but thats ok because we love him dearly.

J came into this world a bit too soon (at 25 weeks gestation) weighing a tiny 850g, he was only given a 50/50 chance of survival and he remained in intensive care for 8 long weeks. We were allowed to bring him home when he was 18 weeks old but he still needed help with his breathing so he was hooked up to an oxygen machine for the next 15 months.It was a very difficult time for us and to be honest neither Terry or I have really got over the trauma of what happened.

L was a planned baby,we waited along time after having J as we were scared of going through it all again.It took us over a year of trying and two miscarriages before we finally conceived him. He was born happy and healthy at 37 weeks I on the other hand felt like I'd been a car crash.

I've been breastfeeding for nearly a year and I am missing alcohol dearly :)